Better to Give Than to Receive?

Mikayla with her elephant with cochlear implants

We have all heard the old adage: "It is better to give than to receive."  I understand the sentiment of this statement, but receiving is also an important part of the giving process.  People love to give Mikayla gifts, and not just on her birthday.  They love to give her things, and I have to admit I have never been great at receiving gifts.  It really is an art, and one I have been trying to learn over time.  What I have learned is people receive enjoyment from giving.  I have learned to accept these gifts for her graciously, and it shows me just how many people care for her and us.  So it is better to give, but I also believe receiving is an important part of the giving process.  Thank you to all of you who have given us gifts.  It has truly been a pleasure to receive them.

Ears to Hear the Voice of God

This week was an exciting one in the Honeycutt household.  Mikayla had her cochlear implant turned on for the first time Monday.  Heather captured a video of it, and I love to watch it and see Mikayla's eyes light up the first time she heard her mother's voice.  What a special moment that was.  I have been reflecting on hearing for the past couple months, and the deeper meaning to hearing than just pure hearing of sounds.  I was at mass a few weeks ago, and our priest made a prayer "Lord, give us the ears to hear the voice of God."  When you have a daughter who can't hear, that really makes you ponder.  How does she hear the voice of God, and how does it sound to her?  Even now that she can technically hear sound, I still wonder often how she will know God in her life?  Will she have any understanding of God as I do, or will she connect with his love in a different way entirely than I am able?  I, of course, don't have the answers to these questions yet or perhaps ever in my lifetime.  Mikayla may never truly intellectually grasp any sort of theology or religion in her life, but I have to believe that somehow God will speak to her in a way she can/will understand.  I have to believe that somehow he will find the words to speak to me, so I can be at peace with the way he crafted Mikayla and her brain.  I have to believe, because I can't accept a life and a world that is devoid of a greater meaning.  So I ask you, what do you hear in your life that means more to you than just sound?  I know for me, the ability for my daughter to hear my voice and the voice of her mother is enough hearing for me.

Ode To Mothers - Moving Forward

Today, I dedicate my blog post to all mothers on this 2014 Mother's Day on May 11, 2014.  Mothers  deserve our love, respect, and admiration; not only today but all the days of the year.  I have been very fortunate to have such wonderful mothers in my life including my grandmother, mother, mother-in-law, and aunts.  All these women are extremely special to me.  However, today I am dedicating this post to my wife Heather.  My wife Heather confounds me every day.  Heather has been through more since becoming a mother, than any mother should have to endure in a lifetime.  She has endured THE ultrasound when we found out Mikayla has Dandy Walker Syndrome, given a choice to abort, a C-section, multiple surgeries, sickness, and hospital stays.  She gave up her full-time career for a year to take Mikayla to her therapies, appointments, events, and anything else she required.  She did ALL OF THIS with a smile on her face, and the most positive attitude you will ever find.  That doesn't mean she hasn't had her share of heartbreaks., setbacks, and tears...but she keeps - moving forward.  She provides stability, warmth, cleanliness and godliness to our home.  She has more faith & patience, than I would ever believed existed inside of her.  She has changed not only my life and the lives of those around her, but she has changed our daughter's life.  Heather has changed the entire course of her existence to make the life better of this one special and beautiful child.  In the process, I have seen her have a positive impact on her friends and family by simply being the person she is.  She has truly embraced her life and all of its challenges and stress.  People who don't know us deeply, don't tend to see the amount if stress our family endures on a regular basis.  We tend to put up this strong front, and show people how strong we are.  As much as we have maintained our strength and our faith, if you peel back the curtain of our lives you would see how difficult it has been for us.  It has been difficult for Heather most of all.  She loves so unconditionally, and it hurts when your daughter experiences challenges and requires so much, not only physically, but emotionally, and spiritually as well.  As much as she is happy for the friends in her life who have typical children with milestones, it hurts to look on Facebook or see how far along other children are in Mikayla's classroom.  It hurts, but she continues to march forward.  She moves forward, because that is the only thing she knows how to do.  Mothers are often portrayed as the soothing and calming force in our lives, who comfort and take care of us when we are sick, tired, and hurting.  As much as I have seen this side of Heather, and I have been proud of this side, I have seen her more as a fighter this past year than anything.  I envision her with the black chalk under her eyes that athletes wear, drawing a line in the sand, and going into battle.  You see, Mikayla gets her fight from her mother.  Mikayla's ability to bounce back from surgeries, and keep clicking comes from her mother's sheer will and determination.  I see so much of Heather in my daughter.
     So enjoy this Mother's Day with the mothers in your life, and I ask have you taken the time to truly reflect and realize what an amazing gift mothers are to our lives, and the lives of our children?  I take this time to thank all of the mothers in my life today, and may I never take for granted their influence in my life.
     Heather Yopp Honeycutt, I dedicate this blog post to you and the incredible wife and mother that you have been, are, and will be.  I am so humbled to be your husband, and to share this life with you. May you continue to find the peace from God that you deserve, and may we continue to seek him and his grace in all we do.

Sincerely,
Graham Fletcher Honeycutt

Bliss - Short Film that Changed My Life

Mikayla and Me at the Hospital before her cochlear implant surgery

     This blog post will make reference to a short film called Bliss that I watched for the first time in college.  It is a short film (6 minutes) that literally changed my life.  It was very impactful for me.  I highly recommend you watch it.  CLICK HERE to view it. 

    For a long time now, I have been moved to find my true, genuine, and authentic self that God made me to be.  I tend to seek literature, movies, media, relationships, and communities that reinforce this sentiment in my life.  Whether it is a short firm like Bliss or one of my favorite books/movies The Legend of Bagger Vance (doesn't hurt that it is about golf as well), finding my authentic self has been a life long journey for me.  I have sought it in my family, friendships, marriage, church, and inside myself.  It is a journey because I often get lost on my way.  I get lost in wordly things, or in being a people pleaser (which I am), or in just being busy & distracted.  I have found no "bliss product", like the one in the short film, to cover up this overwhelming desire in me to be the person God created me to be.  I have known fear, regret, and pain from this desire.  I have known joy, creativity, and true happiness from this desire.  This desire drives me, and this desire has changed as I have become a father.  I now have someone else to take care of.  A little girl who physically and spiritually needs me more than I thought I would ever have to give to a human being.    She requires more patience, understanding, and love than I knew I had within me.  You see... I never planned to have a child with special needs.  I don't think any of us do.
      I have found more of my genuine self in my love for her, but it makes me question often what will Mikayla's search for her genuine self be like?  I always want the best for her, but I struggle with what that will look like.  Heather and I continually provide opportunities for her to develop.  We and her therapists/teachers work with her on her hearing, her feeding, holding up her head, sitting, crawling, using her arms, just to name a few.  It feels like we are always working on something, and when we aren't we feel that guilty that we didn't do this or that.  She has made SO much progress, but I struggle to know when its time to work and when it is time to just BE.  How do I foster my daughter's true authentic self?  How do I learn diligence in working with her, but also just giving her my presence?  How do I pray to God to heal her, AND pray for acceptance of who she is?  I am still figuring it out with my wife Heather, and we are learning over time that sometimes your best isn't just good enough.  Sometimes, it is simply all you have to give. 

Thanks again to everyone for reading, and I always look forward to your comments.  Have a great weekend!

The Shelf Life of Fear and Regret

Mikayla's 1 year photo

This past Friday I had the pleasure of attending a talk given by Jon Acuff for The Refuge Center called "Reset: The Messy Art of Beginning Again".  I have been a fan of Jon since reading his book Quitter last year.  His talk did not disappoint, and I took away a few nuggets from his lecture.  One thing he said really stuck with me afterwards.  He said that "FEAR has a shorter shelf life than REGRET, and the only way to overcome FEAR is BRAVERY."  Wow...only going through true life experiences could have given Mr. Acuff that wisdom.  The longer I live the more I think that wisdom is only gained through life experiences.    As with most quotes and life lessons I hear these days, I usually find some way to internalize it to my life and my family.  I have thought a great deal about that quote and have unpacked it over the weekend.  I still think back to the day that was the most terrifying of my life.  Make no mistake.  I was afraid.  The day I was told our daughter had Dandy Walker Syndrome and the doctor explained the possible very difficult scenarios to us, was the day I had the most fear in my life thus far.  I am not here to pat myself on the back, and say I had all this bravery to overcome my fear in that moment.  I am man enough to admit that I went home that night and cried like a baby with my wife Heather.  In fact, I am still afraid of what our future looks like.  But what I don't have is regret.  I don't regret the times I have held her in my arms, the times I have made her laugh, and the joys she has brought into my life.  Those moments cast out all of my fears.  What I would regret, is NOT having her in my life because I was too afraid to choose life.  I regret more the things I didn't do because I was afraid to, than the things I did because I thought I was making the right choice.  So I ask all of you, next time you are confronted with something that gives you fear try to take a step back and ask what will last longer?  Will the fear last longer, or will it be your regret?

On a final note, Mikayla is scheduled for surgery for her cochlear implants this Friday.  It is on Good Friday of all days.  In his homily at mass last night, our priest told us his favorite part of the Mel Gibson movie Passion of the Christ is the part when Jesus fell down on his way to be crucified and he saw his mother.  He said to her "Behold mother, I make all things new."  It is interesting our priest said that, as that has always been one of my favorite parts as well.  I have made the commitment every Good Friday to watch that movie, as tough as it is to watch, as a reminder to me the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins.  I won't be watching the movie this Good Friday with Mikayla in surgery, but my prayers for this week is for Jesus to make all things new.  Make Mikayla's ears new again, and allow her to hear for the first time in her short life.

My Letter to Mikayla

Heather, Mikayla, and Me at her Birthday Party!!!

Some of you may remember that I wrote a letter to Mikayla when she was born, that I hope to be able to share with her someday.  Her birthday is coming up on this Tuesday, April 8th, so I thought it was a good time to share it again.  I have removed some names to protect the names of her doctors, but it shouldn't affect your reading of the letter.  Golf Tournament season is here, and I am traveling more for work.  I will do my best to continue to post on the weekends as I am able.  Thanks as always for reading, and I am continually humbled by how many of you tell me you read the blog often.  Have a great weekend!

To: Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt
From: Dad
May 1, 2013

Dear Mikayla,
            First and foremost, I want you to know that you were always wanted.  From the very moment we found out your mother was pregnant with you, we wanted to bring you into this world and give you life without question.  Your journey into this life did not come without its share of challenges, as you were diagnosed in the womb with something called Dandy Walker Syndrome in January 2013.  This led you to have a brain malformation on the ultrasound, and excess fluid in your brain.  This can present many complications including developmental & physical delays, and a shunt was placed in your brain on your second day of existence to help drain fluid from your brain to your abdomen.  Your first week of birth was the happiest and scariest of my life.  As I write you this letter, it is my hope, sincerest wish, and steadfast prayer that you will be able to read and comprehend this letter someday.  If not, I make a promise to you that I will find other ways to share and show you my love in a way you can understand.
            I want you to always know that your mother and I chose LIFE.  Your mother and I hold very strong convictions about the right to life, and that life begins at conception.  I have always considered myself Pro-Life, and my convictions were certainly put to the test when we found out about your Dandy Walker.  However, we always wanted to have you and give you your best chance at life.  I have to admit to you that I do not often speak out about my convictions, because I tend to avoid conflict.  Yes, your dad is not perfect as I am sure you are already most aware.  In our society the choice of abortion is often portrayed to me as “not my choice” or “not my body”, in particular because I am a man.  This is true, but I believe that all of our bodies belong to God anyways, so this argument falls short in my view.  I can understand why someone would choose to abort a life but it is very difficult for me to fathom as I saw you for the first time, held you for the first time, and the first time you wrapped your little fingers around my pinky finger.  How could anyone choose to end something so precious, and such a gift?
            The other thing you have taught me in your first weeks of life is the power of prayer.  We and so many others have been praying for you ever since you were birthed by (doctor name) at (hospital name).  We had you baptized by (priest name) that very day with holy “sterile” water, before you had brain surgery the next day to put in a shunt by your neurosurgeon (name).  Through prayer and faith we continue to see you get better, and hopefully by the time you read this you won’t even know any different.  You are MIKAYLA.  A name that means “gift from God”, and a combination of your grandparents on your mom’s side of your grandfather’s first name Michael and your grandmother’s maiden name Kay.  Remember prayer in your life when times get tough, as this is how you were born into this world.  Remember your name, and where you came from.
            I realize that I am not and never will be the perfect father, and I will make my fair share of mistakes.  Just know that it wasn’t without the best of intentions, and that from the day you were born I always want the best for you.  I hope to give you this letter when you are old enough to understand it, and truly appreciate its contents.  I love you Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt, and I always will.

Sincerely,

Graham Fletcher Honeycutt

Your Daddy

What Are You Sorry About?

Mikayla and our dog Miley striking same nap pose!

    I had a friend this week with a daughter around Mikayla's age (almost a year old) chatting with me about his daughter starting to learn to walk and moving around.  He had that gleam in his eye that you only see in a man as a proud papa talking about his daughter.  He then stopped and apologized to me for talking about it.  I was taken aback when he said this, and I just told him: "Look man, I would NEVER want you to feel bad for being proud of your daughter and her progress."  This feeling of feeling sorry or pity is a common response when I tell someone I have a special needs daughter.  I typically just tell them I don't want you to feel sorry for me or for my daughter.  I am not sorry I have her in my life, and it certainly doesn't keep me from being proud of her.  Her progress may not be as far along as typically developing kids, but my wife Heather and I take so much joy in what progress she does experience.  You would have thought she took her first step the first time she rolled over!  She still isn't rolling over consistently yet, but it is the small things in life that get you through.
    I will just tell you that if you know us, don't feel sorry for us.  Understand our challenges YES, feel sorry NO.  We don't feel sorry for ourselves.  We have so much joy and gratitude brought into our lives because of sweet Mikayla.  She is such a trooper, and I mean it when I say she has sweetest temperament and personality.  You may think I am partial, and I probably am, but she is just a little cuddle bug who loves some TLC.  In the same way, I want you to share the joys and successes of your kids with us.  I want to be proud of them as you are, and it is always on my heart to do my best not to compare.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, comparison is often the biggest robber of joy in our lives.  If you feel some sorrow start to creep in, just think of that immortalized song from Bobby McFerrin: Whistles "Don't worry, Be Happy!"  Enjoy some NCAA basketball tonight!  Until next time...