Bliss - Short Film that Changed My Life

Mikayla and Me at the Hospital before her cochlear implant surgery

     This blog post will make reference to a short film called Bliss that I watched for the first time in college.  It is a short film (6 minutes) that literally changed my life.  It was very impactful for me.  I highly recommend you watch it.  CLICK HERE to view it. 

    For a long time now, I have been moved to find my true, genuine, and authentic self that God made me to be.  I tend to seek literature, movies, media, relationships, and communities that reinforce this sentiment in my life.  Whether it is a short firm like Bliss or one of my favorite books/movies The Legend of Bagger Vance (doesn't hurt that it is about golf as well), finding my authentic self has been a life long journey for me.  I have sought it in my family, friendships, marriage, church, and inside myself.  It is a journey because I often get lost on my way.  I get lost in wordly things, or in being a people pleaser (which I am), or in just being busy & distracted.  I have found no "bliss product", like the one in the short film, to cover up this overwhelming desire in me to be the person God created me to be.  I have known fear, regret, and pain from this desire.  I have known joy, creativity, and true happiness from this desire.  This desire drives me, and this desire has changed as I have become a father.  I now have someone else to take care of.  A little girl who physically and spiritually needs me more than I thought I would ever have to give to a human being.    She requires more patience, understanding, and love than I knew I had within me.  You see... I never planned to have a child with special needs.  I don't think any of us do.
      I have found more of my genuine self in my love for her, but it makes me question often what will Mikayla's search for her genuine self be like?  I always want the best for her, but I struggle with what that will look like.  Heather and I continually provide opportunities for her to develop.  We and her therapists/teachers work with her on her hearing, her feeding, holding up her head, sitting, crawling, using her arms, just to name a few.  It feels like we are always working on something, and when we aren't we feel that guilty that we didn't do this or that.  She has made SO much progress, but I struggle to know when its time to work and when it is time to just BE.  How do I foster my daughter's true authentic self?  How do I learn diligence in working with her, but also just giving her my presence?  How do I pray to God to heal her, AND pray for acceptance of who she is?  I am still figuring it out with my wife Heather, and we are learning over time that sometimes your best isn't just good enough.  Sometimes, it is simply all you have to give. 

Thanks again to everyone for reading, and I always look forward to your comments.  Have a great weekend!

The Shelf Life of Fear and Regret

Mikayla's 1 year photo

This past Friday I had the pleasure of attending a talk given by Jon Acuff for The Refuge Center called "Reset: The Messy Art of Beginning Again".  I have been a fan of Jon since reading his book Quitter last year.  His talk did not disappoint, and I took away a few nuggets from his lecture.  One thing he said really stuck with me afterwards.  He said that "FEAR has a shorter shelf life than REGRET, and the only way to overcome FEAR is BRAVERY."  Wow...only going through true life experiences could have given Mr. Acuff that wisdom.  The longer I live the more I think that wisdom is only gained through life experiences.    As with most quotes and life lessons I hear these days, I usually find some way to internalize it to my life and my family.  I have thought a great deal about that quote and have unpacked it over the weekend.  I still think back to the day that was the most terrifying of my life.  Make no mistake.  I was afraid.  The day I was told our daughter had Dandy Walker Syndrome and the doctor explained the possible very difficult scenarios to us, was the day I had the most fear in my life thus far.  I am not here to pat myself on the back, and say I had all this bravery to overcome my fear in that moment.  I am man enough to admit that I went home that night and cried like a baby with my wife Heather.  In fact, I am still afraid of what our future looks like.  But what I don't have is regret.  I don't regret the times I have held her in my arms, the times I have made her laugh, and the joys she has brought into my life.  Those moments cast out all of my fears.  What I would regret, is NOT having her in my life because I was too afraid to choose life.  I regret more the things I didn't do because I was afraid to, than the things I did because I thought I was making the right choice.  So I ask all of you, next time you are confronted with something that gives you fear try to take a step back and ask what will last longer?  Will the fear last longer, or will it be your regret?

On a final note, Mikayla is scheduled for surgery for her cochlear implants this Friday.  It is on Good Friday of all days.  In his homily at mass last night, our priest told us his favorite part of the Mel Gibson movie Passion of the Christ is the part when Jesus fell down on his way to be crucified and he saw his mother.  He said to her "Behold mother, I make all things new."  It is interesting our priest said that, as that has always been one of my favorite parts as well.  I have made the commitment every Good Friday to watch that movie, as tough as it is to watch, as a reminder to me the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins.  I won't be watching the movie this Good Friday with Mikayla in surgery, but my prayers for this week is for Jesus to make all things new.  Make Mikayla's ears new again, and allow her to hear for the first time in her short life.

My Letter to Mikayla

Heather, Mikayla, and Me at her Birthday Party!!!

Some of you may remember that I wrote a letter to Mikayla when she was born, that I hope to be able to share with her someday.  Her birthday is coming up on this Tuesday, April 8th, so I thought it was a good time to share it again.  I have removed some names to protect the names of her doctors, but it shouldn't affect your reading of the letter.  Golf Tournament season is here, and I am traveling more for work.  I will do my best to continue to post on the weekends as I am able.  Thanks as always for reading, and I am continually humbled by how many of you tell me you read the blog often.  Have a great weekend!

To: Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt
From: Dad
May 1, 2013

Dear Mikayla,
            First and foremost, I want you to know that you were always wanted.  From the very moment we found out your mother was pregnant with you, we wanted to bring you into this world and give you life without question.  Your journey into this life did not come without its share of challenges, as you were diagnosed in the womb with something called Dandy Walker Syndrome in January 2013.  This led you to have a brain malformation on the ultrasound, and excess fluid in your brain.  This can present many complications including developmental & physical delays, and a shunt was placed in your brain on your second day of existence to help drain fluid from your brain to your abdomen.  Your first week of birth was the happiest and scariest of my life.  As I write you this letter, it is my hope, sincerest wish, and steadfast prayer that you will be able to read and comprehend this letter someday.  If not, I make a promise to you that I will find other ways to share and show you my love in a way you can understand.
            I want you to always know that your mother and I chose LIFE.  Your mother and I hold very strong convictions about the right to life, and that life begins at conception.  I have always considered myself Pro-Life, and my convictions were certainly put to the test when we found out about your Dandy Walker.  However, we always wanted to have you and give you your best chance at life.  I have to admit to you that I do not often speak out about my convictions, because I tend to avoid conflict.  Yes, your dad is not perfect as I am sure you are already most aware.  In our society the choice of abortion is often portrayed to me as “not my choice” or “not my body”, in particular because I am a man.  This is true, but I believe that all of our bodies belong to God anyways, so this argument falls short in my view.  I can understand why someone would choose to abort a life but it is very difficult for me to fathom as I saw you for the first time, held you for the first time, and the first time you wrapped your little fingers around my pinky finger.  How could anyone choose to end something so precious, and such a gift?
            The other thing you have taught me in your first weeks of life is the power of prayer.  We and so many others have been praying for you ever since you were birthed by (doctor name) at (hospital name).  We had you baptized by (priest name) that very day with holy “sterile” water, before you had brain surgery the next day to put in a shunt by your neurosurgeon (name).  Through prayer and faith we continue to see you get better, and hopefully by the time you read this you won’t even know any different.  You are MIKAYLA.  A name that means “gift from God”, and a combination of your grandparents on your mom’s side of your grandfather’s first name Michael and your grandmother’s maiden name Kay.  Remember prayer in your life when times get tough, as this is how you were born into this world.  Remember your name, and where you came from.
            I realize that I am not and never will be the perfect father, and I will make my fair share of mistakes.  Just know that it wasn’t without the best of intentions, and that from the day you were born I always want the best for you.  I hope to give you this letter when you are old enough to understand it, and truly appreciate its contents.  I love you Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt, and I always will.

Sincerely,

Graham Fletcher Honeycutt

Your Daddy