NEW BLOG PLATFORM IS UP!

Hello everyone.  I want to thank you all again for your support of the blog.  As I mentioned last week, I have taken the blog to a self-hosted site due to increase traffic and blog comments. I now have the new site up and running, and have posted the first post on the new site entitled "The Blessing Choice".  This is my last post to this page.

If you have been following this blog and have enjoyed it I ask that you head over to the new site, and enter your e-mail under the "Subscribe for Updates" tab on the right hand side.  It will send you an email and then you can just click to confirm to start receiving your posts to your email.  If you have any issues, please let me know and I will be happy to help.

CLICK HERE to head to the new site.  The new URL is http://www.dandywalkerranger.com.

Thank you again for your support!

Seizure Day

Mikayla taking a nap in her chair after a long week!

"It's time to seize your day." - Graham Honeycutt

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Mikayla had a seizure day at First Steps (her day care) this week, and they had to call ambulance to take her to the hospital.  Unfortunately, I was away on a work trip leaving Heather to handle most of the hospital duties.  Mikayla continues to teach me a great deal about life.  First and foremost, she teaches me to live in the present.  I can be a bit of a dreamer, and always thinking about new and exciting future possibilities.  Sometimes to the point where it becomes overwhelming and I procrastinate.  I see all of the possibilities, and I get paralyzed because I don't know where to start.  I simply don't have that luxury with Mikayla.  She requires love and attention in the present moment.  She requires nothing more from me than who I am, what I have to give, and to be present with her.  Whatever future plans I have for her or myself, honestly, don't mean a damn thing.  It can all change in an instant, and it often does. 

Since she was born, I have seen her affect people's lives by being who she is.  I can't tell you how many family and friends have grown to love this little girl and continue to follow her story.  It is humbling for me just to be a witness.  Then I read a line from a book I was reading entitled How the World Sees You: Discover Your Highest Value Through the Science of Fascination by Sally Hogshead.  She says: "The greatest value you can add is to become more of yourself."  I read it, and I had one of those AH HA moments.  Mikayla affects lives by being who she is.  She doesn't provide any services or give anything of monetary value to anyone.  Her greatest value is that she is loving.  She has never met a stranger, and is a happy and loving child.  Her greatest value is that she hasn't been changed by this world.  All she knows is how to be herself, and fight through whatever challenges she has with a loving soul.

I may have the superior cognitive abilities, but I wonder if she is the one who knows more about what life is all about.  So my challenge to you is you never know when you will have a seizure day, so its time to seize your day.  Carpe Diem.  Live in the present, because your greatest value lies in being yourself.  As complicated as we try to make it, it really is just as simple as that.

So what do you think?  Is it really that simple?  I'd love for you to leave your comments.  Also, if you found this helpful or inspiring would you please share it?  There are links below to share on Facebook or Twitter.

NOTE:  I wanted to thank all of you for continuing to read this blog.  I have received so many positive comments, and have also received feedback that due to increased traffic that some of you are having difficulties reading the page or commenting in the comment section.  I wanted to let all of you know that I am working on a self-hosted site to allow for greater customization and increased traffic.  The site is currently under-construction, and I will send all of you more information as I get it up and running in the near future.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading and your comments.  They mean more to me than you could possibly know. - Graham

 

You WOULD Like Me When I'm Angry!

Mikayla with me after her surgery to repair her shunt

     Mikayla has had a rough few weeks, as she has been in and out of sickness.  Heather and I suspected that there may be a deeper cause, but when we would take her to the doctor she would get better in a couple days and act fine again.  Finally, on Thursday early morning we took her to the ER because she was vomiting and just generally very uncomfortable.  We trusted our gut, and said something is wrong with our child.  It turns out that her shunt (apparatus that drains fluid from her brain to her adomen) had been malfunctioning and she needed surgery to repair it.
     That morning before we went to the hospital I just felt so helpless.  I think of all the difficult things about having a child with special needs, it is the helplessness that hurts me the most.  I have no way to cure what ails her, to comfort her when things so awry, or to help her keep any type of normalcy in her life.  My helplessness turned to anger that morning before we took her to the ER.  I held her in my arms as she was writing in pain, and I just told God...straight up with no holds barred:  "God, I know you can cure my daughter!  Why don't you do just do SOMETHING...ANYTHING?!"  All of a sudden, for just the briefest of moments, she stopped and got silent and opened her beautiful blue eyes and looked straight at me.  It was a moment I can't truly describe, because her gaze shot through me like a frozen arrow had just been shot in my chest.  I was stunned.  Somehow, I just knew in that moment that Jesus Christ was looking straight at me through the eyes of Mikayla.
     As soon as the gaze came, it was gone again and Heather and I rushed to pack up all her items for the hospital.  You may think that I was just a delirious parent, who was just making things up in a high stress state.  I don't really blame you, because sometimes I can't believe it happened either.  All I can tell you is I know what I saw, and more importantly I know what I felt. 
   As I have been unpacking this experience over the past few days, I was reminded of a book I read recently called The Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd.  In his book Dodd explains that there are 8 feelings we experience.  Those feelings are hurt, sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, shame, guilt, and gladness.  If you are like me and almost everybody else, you look at those 8 feelings and only see one positive one - gladness.  Dodd explains in his book that all these feelings are good feelings that have benefits, and were given to us by God.  However, each of these feelings if not fully dealt with can lead to a toxic impairment in our lives.  I won't give you the whole list of benefits or impairments, but for the feeling of anger the benefit is: "Helps us to tell the truth, dares to hope and arouses willingness in desire."  If you are curious about the others, I highly recommend the book.
   I got angry with God, and I believe that was his way of telling me that was okay.  It was okay, because it was a genuine expression to him in relationship.  I had been trying to suppress my anger from God, because I felt like it wasn't proper or justified.  In fact, I have done that in many areas of my life.  I was confusing anger with rage.  They are not the same thing.  As Dodd says: "Authentic anger is a caring feeling, telling us that something matters."  Mikayla matters to me and I care for her deeply.  I get angry, and that is a genuine expression of my love.

 SO TELL ME AND LET ME HEAR IT!!!  What are you angry about in your life, that you just haven't been willing to admit?

What is the Meaning of Happiness?

What is the meaning of happiness?  We all want to be happy, and many of us spend a lifetime pursuing it.  It is even so foundational to our nation that the "pursuit of happiness" is literally written in our constitution.  But I have been wondering what does it mean to be truly happy.  Of course I know what happiness feels like, but I am trying to look deeper into the meaning of happiness.

I started the journey on a book recommendation to read Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  Frankl was a survivor of the Holocaust, and the book is his amazing story and his search for meaning in the most desperate of places, in the Nazi Concentration Camps.  When Heather and I recently visited Germany we visited the Dachau concentration camp to see exactly where Frankl had been for the majority of his imprisonment.  In his book Frankl says: "Suffering is an eradicable part of life, even as fate and death.  Without suffering and death human life cannot be complete.  The way in which man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult of circumstances - to add deeper meaning to his life."  Here is a man who suffered greatly and saw the worst of things, and he found meaning in his suffering.  I can relate to what Frankl is saying here.  If you have read my blog posts, you know that I have also found great meaning in raising a child with special needs (Please note: I am not comparing any of my suffering to that of a concentration camp).  I think the reason that suffering adds meaning is because it forces us to ask the question - WHY?  Most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, spend most of our time asking - WHAT?  What do I need to do or accomplish today on my to-do list?  If we have a stimulating day we might even get to the HOW?, especially if we have a stimulating job.  We don't often make as much time for the most important question of all - Why?  In times of suffering we ask the Why questions, and add deeper meaning to our lives.  So if in times of suffering we find deeper meaning, then what is the meaning of happiness?

Happiness for me does not come in its pursuit.  Happiness for me comes in discovering meaning.  Happiness comes not by me pursuing it, but by starting each and every day by taking my Why questions to God.  I take my Why questions to God, so he can reveal to me my How and my What.  The only issue you will discover in that process, is that God is not always interested in your happiness.  He is interested in your meaning, and your existence.  There is a time and place for everything on this earth as Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 reminds us:

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.  

A time to be born, and a time to die; 

a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.  

A time to kill, and time to heal;

 a time to tear down, and a time to build.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;

a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

If there truly is a time for everything, then I believe happiness is about accepting where we are in the journey.  Some times will feel better than others, but there wouldn't be joy without the pain...and none of it would be worth it without LOVE.  For as Frankl also says in his book: "love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.  Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love."

Crazy Little Thing Called SELF-Love

  

Mikayla in her new seater/stroller

  Mikayla was sick this past week, and one morning I went into her room to rock her while she wasn't feeling well.  She immediately got real quiet, and I just looked into her beautiful baby blue eyes as she looked at me.  It was very early in the morning, and everything so was quiet and peaceful.  Everything felt right in the world as I held her, and just continued to rock back and forth...back and forth...back and forth.  In the midst of the quiet, I felt this immense feeling of joy, peace, and LOVE rush through me.  It was a tidal wave of emotions, and I just let it overwhelm me.  I am not exactly sure how long it lasted, but I felt as if God gave me a short glimpse of the beauty he sees and just how much he loves us and how much he wants us to love others and ourselves.
     As soon as it came, it was gone again but not without leaving an indelible mark.  As it left, I heard a whisper say: Love God, Love Others, and Love Yourself.  This is a phrase a close friend of mine, recently shared a story with me about.  He shared a story of when he went to a monastery and asked the Benedictine monk what he should ponder during his silent retreat.  The monk answered: "Love God, Love Others, and Love Yourself.  These three truth are inextricably linked, and they can't be separated.  You can't have one without the other.  Go...ponder this."
   If you are like me then you say in your head: Love God - CHECK, Love Others - well..uhh...CHECK most of the time, Loving myself - Really?  Do we even have to go there?   Loving myself is not an inherently easy thing for me to do, but I was struck by the monk's response to my friend and just how true it is.  If I am truly to love God and love others, I must love myself as well.  Here are a few things I have learned about self-love.  Now, this is not to say I am good at this, or that I don't stumble...but nevertheless here is what I learned in the school of hard love knocks.

Things I Have Learned About this Crazy Thing Called Self-Love:

     1.  Loving yourself is a choice you must make to be part of the inseparable equation of love I mentioned above.  Love God, Love Others, and Love Yourself.  It is not easy, and it is not something that happens naturally.  You must make the choice to consciously love yourself.  In order to love my baby girl, wife, family, and friends more deeply I must make this choice over and over again.  I make this choice the same way I must make the choice to love God and others at times.

     2.  Self-love is about acceptance.  My brother-in-law gave me a book to read recently called Radical Acceptance.  Acceptance is an especially difficult part of the human condition.  We are always searching for something more or something better.  This can lead us to great heights, but it can also rob us of our joy.  Here is my favorite quote from the book (of what I have read so far): "There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire and imperfect and messy life.  With even a glimmer of that possibility, joy rushes in."

    3.  Loving yourself doesn't mean you always have to like yourself.  I have plenty of times I don't like myself, or I am angry at myself for something I did.  I have to forgive myself, in the same way I have to forgive others to move on with my life.

    4.  This is one I learned from Jon Acuff in his new book.  Don't fall prey to the mind-trick of 1 insult + 1,000 compliments = 1 insult.  When we tend to hear compliments we tend to brush them off and forget about them, but when we hear insults we tend to stew on them and sometimes even let it consume us and change our mood.  An insult is different than constructive criticism, and is just downright mean.  It is not life-giving in any form.  When hearing an insult, give yourself enough tough self-love to move past the insult and listen even more intently to the compliments.

   5.  Loving yourself means being yourself.  Perhaps this seems obvious, but its not always to me.  I can change my personality and mask my true self in certain situations.  I may not let "people feel the weight of who I am, and let them deal with it" because I am afraid they might not like who I am.  However, when I am not myself...I DON'T LIKE WHO I AM!  Take it from me, that is much worse.  People are typically more perceptive than we give them credit for, and they can almost always tell if you are being genuine or not.  Also, if you are hanging around the wrong people they will see your weakness and exploit it.

    6.  Finally, be prepared to enter into your wounds and your fears to find your self-love.  This is most often where our self-love hides, and the place we most need to face in order to love God, others, and ourselves more deeply.

Some of you may have more revelations about self-love than I just shared, and if so feel free to leave me a comment, e-mail or tell me on Facebook.  I would love to hear from you.  Just no insults please...there is only room for compliments or constructive criticism here!

My Song for "Mikayla" on Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day.  I wrote a song to my daughter Mikayla on Father's Day.  Click the video above to see the video of the song.  The lyrics are written below.

Mikayla
Verse One
I hold you skin to skin
And I know that you're my kin
I'll never let you go
You have disabled my soul
You may have special needs
But you never bite the hand that feeds

Chorus
Oh Mikayla my baby girl
My daughter and precious pearl
Mikayla, my beauty queen
Here in my secret world I hold unseen

Verse Two
I'm singing you to sleep
Where my love runs so deep
I wanna take all your pain
Because I'll never be the same
The beauty that you share
It strips your daddy's heart to the bare

REPEAT CHORUS

Verse Three
I'm not a perfect man
But I feel as if I can
Have her untouched by this world
And whose prescence is unfurled
I'll hold her when she cries
And tell her not to believe those lies...those lies...those lies

Bridge
So you came to us from above
Showed me what it means to love
A lonely man I'll never be
You gave my heart the eyes to see
To connect with greater than myself
I tore all my books off the shelf
The only one left was a Bible in my hand
And a prayer to help me understand
Why did you make my daughter this way?
The only thing that I have left to say
My soul is touched and I have peace
And I feel my apprehension...RELEASE....Release....Release 

Final Chorus
Mikayla, you're my baby girl
You're my daughter and precious pearl
 Mikayla, you're my beauty queen
Here in my secret world I hold unseen

END...

I am Humbled...

Mommy and Mikayla matching colors in cute outfits

I have been doing some writing lately with my good friend Larry.  We have been writing on a number of topics relating to the soul.  One of these topics was humility.  I combed back through experiences in my life when I have been humbled.  I found many things I am not particularly proud of, but there was one experience from early in my life that stood out.  It was the first time I remember being truly humbled.  I have no real expectations with this post, but all I can say is I just feel compelled to share it.  Perhaps this is just my time to make amends, and my daughter is the one who gave me the courage to share it.

Here is an excerpt of what I wrote:

... It is important to note that God convicts and makes us feel guilt to draw us closer to him, but he doesn’t condemn us and pronounce guilt upon us.  Condemnation does not come from God for those who are after his heart.  He convicts us like any good parent does their child, in order to discipline us and make us better.

I still remember the first time I felt God truly convict me.  I was in the fourth grade, and our teacher called a special meeting and we all sat on the floor in a circle. She explained to us that it had been brought to her attention someone in our class had made an insensitive joke about a girl in the class who had some mild disabilities and had trouble walking.  The young girl immediately burst into tears, and we all watched as she publicly shared her hurt for at least 5 minutes.  That 5 minutes felt like a forever to me, because I was the insensitive jerk who made that comment.  I felt so convicted that day I had ringing in my ears.  I still can’t think of that moment today without feeling shame and guilt.  I saw how much pain I had inflicted on that beautiful girl, and I so wished I could have taken it back. I still wonder why the teacher chose such a public forum to expose my failings, but it worked and I was deeply humbled.  Who knew all these years later, I would have my own beautiful daughter with special needs who has physical disabilities and needs my love and protection?

Real humility comes from recognizing our own brokenness that we can’t fix on our own...

I was broken that day, and hopefully I came back as a better person for that girl, myself, my family, and now for my daughter Mikayla. 

Better to Give Than to Receive?

Mikayla with her elephant with cochlear implants

We have all heard the old adage: "It is better to give than to receive."  I understand the sentiment of this statement, but receiving is also an important part of the giving process.  People love to give Mikayla gifts, and not just on her birthday.  They love to give her things, and I have to admit I have never been great at receiving gifts.  It really is an art, and one I have been trying to learn over time.  What I have learned is people receive enjoyment from giving.  I have learned to accept these gifts for her graciously, and it shows me just how many people care for her and us.  So it is better to give, but I also believe receiving is an important part of the giving process.  Thank you to all of you who have given us gifts.  It has truly been a pleasure to receive them.

Ears to Hear the Voice of God

This week was an exciting one in the Honeycutt household.  Mikayla had her cochlear implant turned on for the first time Monday.  Heather captured a video of it, and I love to watch it and see Mikayla's eyes light up the first time she heard her mother's voice.  What a special moment that was.  I have been reflecting on hearing for the past couple months, and the deeper meaning to hearing than just pure hearing of sounds.  I was at mass a few weeks ago, and our priest made a prayer "Lord, give us the ears to hear the voice of God."  When you have a daughter who can't hear, that really makes you ponder.  How does she hear the voice of God, and how does it sound to her?  Even now that she can technically hear sound, I still wonder often how she will know God in her life?  Will she have any understanding of God as I do, or will she connect with his love in a different way entirely than I am able?  I, of course, don't have the answers to these questions yet or perhaps ever in my lifetime.  Mikayla may never truly intellectually grasp any sort of theology or religion in her life, but I have to believe that somehow God will speak to her in a way she can/will understand.  I have to believe that somehow he will find the words to speak to me, so I can be at peace with the way he crafted Mikayla and her brain.  I have to believe, because I can't accept a life and a world that is devoid of a greater meaning.  So I ask you, what do you hear in your life that means more to you than just sound?  I know for me, the ability for my daughter to hear my voice and the voice of her mother is enough hearing for me.

Ode To Mothers - Moving Forward

Today, I dedicate my blog post to all mothers on this 2014 Mother's Day on May 11, 2014.  Mothers  deserve our love, respect, and admiration; not only today but all the days of the year.  I have been very fortunate to have such wonderful mothers in my life including my grandmother, mother, mother-in-law, and aunts.  All these women are extremely special to me.  However, today I am dedicating this post to my wife Heather.  My wife Heather confounds me every day.  Heather has been through more since becoming a mother, than any mother should have to endure in a lifetime.  She has endured THE ultrasound when we found out Mikayla has Dandy Walker Syndrome, given a choice to abort, a C-section, multiple surgeries, sickness, and hospital stays.  She gave up her full-time career for a year to take Mikayla to her therapies, appointments, events, and anything else she required.  She did ALL OF THIS with a smile on her face, and the most positive attitude you will ever find.  That doesn't mean she hasn't had her share of heartbreaks., setbacks, and tears...but she keeps - moving forward.  She provides stability, warmth, cleanliness and godliness to our home.  She has more faith & patience, than I would ever believed existed inside of her.  She has changed not only my life and the lives of those around her, but she has changed our daughter's life.  Heather has changed the entire course of her existence to make the life better of this one special and beautiful child.  In the process, I have seen her have a positive impact on her friends and family by simply being the person she is.  She has truly embraced her life and all of its challenges and stress.  People who don't know us deeply, don't tend to see the amount if stress our family endures on a regular basis.  We tend to put up this strong front, and show people how strong we are.  As much as we have maintained our strength and our faith, if you peel back the curtain of our lives you would see how difficult it has been for us.  It has been difficult for Heather most of all.  She loves so unconditionally, and it hurts when your daughter experiences challenges and requires so much, not only physically, but emotionally, and spiritually as well.  As much as she is happy for the friends in her life who have typical children with milestones, it hurts to look on Facebook or see how far along other children are in Mikayla's classroom.  It hurts, but she continues to march forward.  She moves forward, because that is the only thing she knows how to do.  Mothers are often portrayed as the soothing and calming force in our lives, who comfort and take care of us when we are sick, tired, and hurting.  As much as I have seen this side of Heather, and I have been proud of this side, I have seen her more as a fighter this past year than anything.  I envision her with the black chalk under her eyes that athletes wear, drawing a line in the sand, and going into battle.  You see, Mikayla gets her fight from her mother.  Mikayla's ability to bounce back from surgeries, and keep clicking comes from her mother's sheer will and determination.  I see so much of Heather in my daughter.
     So enjoy this Mother's Day with the mothers in your life, and I ask have you taken the time to truly reflect and realize what an amazing gift mothers are to our lives, and the lives of our children?  I take this time to thank all of the mothers in my life today, and may I never take for granted their influence in my life.
     Heather Yopp Honeycutt, I dedicate this blog post to you and the incredible wife and mother that you have been, are, and will be.  I am so humbled to be your husband, and to share this life with you. May you continue to find the peace from God that you deserve, and may we continue to seek him and his grace in all we do.

Sincerely,
Graham Fletcher Honeycutt

Bliss - Short Film that Changed My Life

Mikayla and Me at the Hospital before her cochlear implant surgery

     This blog post will make reference to a short film called Bliss that I watched for the first time in college.  It is a short film (6 minutes) that literally changed my life.  It was very impactful for me.  I highly recommend you watch it.  CLICK HERE to view it. 

    For a long time now, I have been moved to find my true, genuine, and authentic self that God made me to be.  I tend to seek literature, movies, media, relationships, and communities that reinforce this sentiment in my life.  Whether it is a short firm like Bliss or one of my favorite books/movies The Legend of Bagger Vance (doesn't hurt that it is about golf as well), finding my authentic self has been a life long journey for me.  I have sought it in my family, friendships, marriage, church, and inside myself.  It is a journey because I often get lost on my way.  I get lost in wordly things, or in being a people pleaser (which I am), or in just being busy & distracted.  I have found no "bliss product", like the one in the short film, to cover up this overwhelming desire in me to be the person God created me to be.  I have known fear, regret, and pain from this desire.  I have known joy, creativity, and true happiness from this desire.  This desire drives me, and this desire has changed as I have become a father.  I now have someone else to take care of.  A little girl who physically and spiritually needs me more than I thought I would ever have to give to a human being.    She requires more patience, understanding, and love than I knew I had within me.  You see... I never planned to have a child with special needs.  I don't think any of us do.
      I have found more of my genuine self in my love for her, but it makes me question often what will Mikayla's search for her genuine self be like?  I always want the best for her, but I struggle with what that will look like.  Heather and I continually provide opportunities for her to develop.  We and her therapists/teachers work with her on her hearing, her feeding, holding up her head, sitting, crawling, using her arms, just to name a few.  It feels like we are always working on something, and when we aren't we feel that guilty that we didn't do this or that.  She has made SO much progress, but I struggle to know when its time to work and when it is time to just BE.  How do I foster my daughter's true authentic self?  How do I learn diligence in working with her, but also just giving her my presence?  How do I pray to God to heal her, AND pray for acceptance of who she is?  I am still figuring it out with my wife Heather, and we are learning over time that sometimes your best isn't just good enough.  Sometimes, it is simply all you have to give. 

Thanks again to everyone for reading, and I always look forward to your comments.  Have a great weekend!

The Shelf Life of Fear and Regret

Mikayla's 1 year photo

This past Friday I had the pleasure of attending a talk given by Jon Acuff for The Refuge Center called "Reset: The Messy Art of Beginning Again".  I have been a fan of Jon since reading his book Quitter last year.  His talk did not disappoint, and I took away a few nuggets from his lecture.  One thing he said really stuck with me afterwards.  He said that "FEAR has a shorter shelf life than REGRET, and the only way to overcome FEAR is BRAVERY."  Wow...only going through true life experiences could have given Mr. Acuff that wisdom.  The longer I live the more I think that wisdom is only gained through life experiences.    As with most quotes and life lessons I hear these days, I usually find some way to internalize it to my life and my family.  I have thought a great deal about that quote and have unpacked it over the weekend.  I still think back to the day that was the most terrifying of my life.  Make no mistake.  I was afraid.  The day I was told our daughter had Dandy Walker Syndrome and the doctor explained the possible very difficult scenarios to us, was the day I had the most fear in my life thus far.  I am not here to pat myself on the back, and say I had all this bravery to overcome my fear in that moment.  I am man enough to admit that I went home that night and cried like a baby with my wife Heather.  In fact, I am still afraid of what our future looks like.  But what I don't have is regret.  I don't regret the times I have held her in my arms, the times I have made her laugh, and the joys she has brought into my life.  Those moments cast out all of my fears.  What I would regret, is NOT having her in my life because I was too afraid to choose life.  I regret more the things I didn't do because I was afraid to, than the things I did because I thought I was making the right choice.  So I ask all of you, next time you are confronted with something that gives you fear try to take a step back and ask what will last longer?  Will the fear last longer, or will it be your regret?

On a final note, Mikayla is scheduled for surgery for her cochlear implants this Friday.  It is on Good Friday of all days.  In his homily at mass last night, our priest told us his favorite part of the Mel Gibson movie Passion of the Christ is the part when Jesus fell down on his way to be crucified and he saw his mother.  He said to her "Behold mother, I make all things new."  It is interesting our priest said that, as that has always been one of my favorite parts as well.  I have made the commitment every Good Friday to watch that movie, as tough as it is to watch, as a reminder to me the sacrifice Jesus made for my sins.  I won't be watching the movie this Good Friday with Mikayla in surgery, but my prayers for this week is for Jesus to make all things new.  Make Mikayla's ears new again, and allow her to hear for the first time in her short life.

My Letter to Mikayla

Heather, Mikayla, and Me at her Birthday Party!!!

Some of you may remember that I wrote a letter to Mikayla when she was born, that I hope to be able to share with her someday.  Her birthday is coming up on this Tuesday, April 8th, so I thought it was a good time to share it again.  I have removed some names to protect the names of her doctors, but it shouldn't affect your reading of the letter.  Golf Tournament season is here, and I am traveling more for work.  I will do my best to continue to post on the weekends as I am able.  Thanks as always for reading, and I am continually humbled by how many of you tell me you read the blog often.  Have a great weekend!

To: Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt
From: Dad
May 1, 2013

Dear Mikayla,
            First and foremost, I want you to know that you were always wanted.  From the very moment we found out your mother was pregnant with you, we wanted to bring you into this world and give you life without question.  Your journey into this life did not come without its share of challenges, as you were diagnosed in the womb with something called Dandy Walker Syndrome in January 2013.  This led you to have a brain malformation on the ultrasound, and excess fluid in your brain.  This can present many complications including developmental & physical delays, and a shunt was placed in your brain on your second day of existence to help drain fluid from your brain to your abdomen.  Your first week of birth was the happiest and scariest of my life.  As I write you this letter, it is my hope, sincerest wish, and steadfast prayer that you will be able to read and comprehend this letter someday.  If not, I make a promise to you that I will find other ways to share and show you my love in a way you can understand.
            I want you to always know that your mother and I chose LIFE.  Your mother and I hold very strong convictions about the right to life, and that life begins at conception.  I have always considered myself Pro-Life, and my convictions were certainly put to the test when we found out about your Dandy Walker.  However, we always wanted to have you and give you your best chance at life.  I have to admit to you that I do not often speak out about my convictions, because I tend to avoid conflict.  Yes, your dad is not perfect as I am sure you are already most aware.  In our society the choice of abortion is often portrayed to me as “not my choice” or “not my body”, in particular because I am a man.  This is true, but I believe that all of our bodies belong to God anyways, so this argument falls short in my view.  I can understand why someone would choose to abort a life but it is very difficult for me to fathom as I saw you for the first time, held you for the first time, and the first time you wrapped your little fingers around my pinky finger.  How could anyone choose to end something so precious, and such a gift?
            The other thing you have taught me in your first weeks of life is the power of prayer.  We and so many others have been praying for you ever since you were birthed by (doctor name) at (hospital name).  We had you baptized by (priest name) that very day with holy “sterile” water, before you had brain surgery the next day to put in a shunt by your neurosurgeon (name).  Through prayer and faith we continue to see you get better, and hopefully by the time you read this you won’t even know any different.  You are MIKAYLA.  A name that means “gift from God”, and a combination of your grandparents on your mom’s side of your grandfather’s first name Michael and your grandmother’s maiden name Kay.  Remember prayer in your life when times get tough, as this is how you were born into this world.  Remember your name, and where you came from.
            I realize that I am not and never will be the perfect father, and I will make my fair share of mistakes.  Just know that it wasn’t without the best of intentions, and that from the day you were born I always want the best for you.  I hope to give you this letter when you are old enough to understand it, and truly appreciate its contents.  I love you Mikayla Yopp Honeycutt, and I always will.

Sincerely,

Graham Fletcher Honeycutt

Your Daddy

What Are You Sorry About?

Mikayla and our dog Miley striking same nap pose!

    I had a friend this week with a daughter around Mikayla's age (almost a year old) chatting with me about his daughter starting to learn to walk and moving around.  He had that gleam in his eye that you only see in a man as a proud papa talking about his daughter.  He then stopped and apologized to me for talking about it.  I was taken aback when he said this, and I just told him: "Look man, I would NEVER want you to feel bad for being proud of your daughter and her progress."  This feeling of feeling sorry or pity is a common response when I tell someone I have a special needs daughter.  I typically just tell them I don't want you to feel sorry for me or for my daughter.  I am not sorry I have her in my life, and it certainly doesn't keep me from being proud of her.  Her progress may not be as far along as typically developing kids, but my wife Heather and I take so much joy in what progress she does experience.  You would have thought she took her first step the first time she rolled over!  She still isn't rolling over consistently yet, but it is the small things in life that get you through.
    I will just tell you that if you know us, don't feel sorry for us.  Understand our challenges YES, feel sorry NO.  We don't feel sorry for ourselves.  We have so much joy and gratitude brought into our lives because of sweet Mikayla.  She is such a trooper, and I mean it when I say she has sweetest temperament and personality.  You may think I am partial, and I probably am, but she is just a little cuddle bug who loves some TLC.  In the same way, I want you to share the joys and successes of your kids with us.  I want to be proud of them as you are, and it is always on my heart to do my best not to compare.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, comparison is often the biggest robber of joy in our lives.  If you feel some sorrow start to creep in, just think of that immortalized song from Bobby McFerrin: Whistles "Don't worry, Be Happy!"  Enjoy some NCAA basketball tonight!  Until next time...

Making Waves

Mikayla hanging out at Rosemary Beach.

   My wife Heather, Mikayla, and I were fortunate to vacation in Rosemary Beach, Florida this past weekend.  It was nice to have a little getaway, and some time to recharge the batteries.  We are more mountain than beach people, but the beach is very relaxing and a nice distraction from everyday life.  The final morning before we left the beach I stuck my toes in the sand at the edge of the water, and just stood there for a few moments.  I watched the vast ocean in front of me, and listened to the sound of the waves as they crashed in and the flowed out.  I let a sense of peace wash over me, as I pondered what God had brought into my life over the past year.  What things did he bring onto the shores of my life from the vast ocean?  What joys and what challenges?  I think sometimes we get caught up in the waves in our lives when they are crashing, but don't always take the time to step back and take a look at the big picture of the ocean.  Yes, we have faced some challenges this year but when I look into my daughter's eyes she has also brought me a new sense of purpose and has allowed me not to take things for granted.  How could you not just love that little munchkin with her sunglasses on?
    This was a great reminder for me as we drove back that afternoon, and Heather's car engine died in Clanton, Alabama.  In the past, I think Heather and I would have really been stressed about the whole thing, but we see life with a different lens now.  Mikayla's challenges have become our own.  We learned when our house was flooded in 2010, that things can and will be replaced but the love we have for each other is what gets us through those times when the waves crash on our shores.  Take some time to find your beach this year, and I promise you won't regret it.

The Heart of Yoga

Mikayla taking a nap with our dog Miley

I have been taking Yoga for awhile now at the Crossfit gym I go to.  I have to admit I am pretty terrible at the poses, but I have started to get better.  My favorite part of the class is at the end for Shavasana, or as our teacher likes to call it "The Heart of Yoga."  Shavasana is a time of relaxation and deep meditation where we try clear our mind of thoughts (never an easy task).  As we enter this period of meditation, our yoga instructor always gives us a few encouraging mantras to focus on and help us clear our mind.  These mantras might be something like: "I choose to be content in this moment" or "I am worthy of love," amongst many others.  Although I do pray often, I had never taken time each week to meditate and keep my mind clear of thoughts, and try to release my worry and anxiety.  What a great practice this is, and I now look forward to this time each week.  The other thing it has taught me is the power of a MANTRA to repeat and keep with you.  A mantra is a group of words you believe to have some spiritual or psychological power.
Well after a few sessions now, I am a firm believer that they do have power.  I have been focusing more and more on taking mantras with me throughout my days and weeks beyond Yoga.  The mantra might be something I hear in Yoga, something I need to tell myself, or a Bible verse.  I find they really do have an effect on how you process things throughout the day and can make a positive impact on your life.  When you have a daughter with special needs, you will often spend a great deal of time in anxiety and worry about her.  You worry about what the future looks like, and how you can handle it all.  Having a simple mantra can be a reminder to let go of that worry and give your anxiety over to God.  I used to have more prayers times with God where I would pray, and then just leave the prayer there throughout the day.  I would leave it until I came back to it the next morning.  Through the help of the Shavastana time of Yoga and simple mantras, I have started to have more conversations with God that I take with me throughout the day.  I take my meditations and quiet times with me now, and I do my best not to worry about Mikayla.  I simply try to love her to the best of my ability.  I suppose you could even say that is one of my mantras.  I am certainly not perfect at this, and I know I never will be... but that won't keep me from trying.

Definitions Not Found in Wikipedia

Mikayla helping daddy with the Laundry

     When I was an adolescent & a younger man, I liked to think that I wasn't defined by anything.  I thought of myself as very adaptable, and I simply didn't like to "labeled".  I wanted to be known for many different things, and not one particular thing or another.  I had this thought as I was walking around the house doing a little laundry yesterday with Mikayla: "What DEFINES you?".  It came into my mind like you would expect to hear from a commercial on a marketing campaign like Nike.   So I decided to entertain that thought for awhile, and starting thinking that as I grow older I have more things in my life that define me.  I am defined as husband, as father, as son, as grandson, as friend, by my career, etc.  I am defined by the moments, days, and years of my life to this point.  Moments like what college I attended, the day I got married, and the flood of May 2010.  These moments have thus shaped my life and defined who I am.
    One such moment was hearing the doctor come in after our second ultrasound of the day with a specialist (when we knew something was wrong) and telling us that our baby had Dandy Walker Syndrome.  She explained to us what this meant for our child and the possible very difficult scenarios, and asked us at that moment if we would like to abort our child.  She then left to give us some time to think and talk it over.  Honestly, when she left the room I was in shock, and I know Heather was too.  I felt like I was in one of those war movies after the bomb goes off, and all you hear is the silence and the ringing in your ears.  Heather remained surprisingly calm (I thought she would break down), and we had a moment that would define.  We didn't believe in abortion as an option, but things are a lot different when you are the one sitting in that chair and it has become more real than a philosophical debate after a few drinks with your friends.  We said YES to Mikayla, and trusted that God had a plan for our lives he was yet to reveal.  I became defined in that moment as a parent of a special needs child.  So what defines us is not just those moments in our lives, but those moments in the lives of those who came before us.  The choices my grandparents and my parents make, define me as well.  I wouldn't be here if they had made different choices, and neither would Mikayla  Mikayla begins her life and journey with one more definition than I did.  She begins her life with the definition of special needs.  It will be up to her and God what she does with that definition.  I no longer run from my definitions, but I embrace them as part of who I am.  What truly defines me is Love.  Love for my daughter, my wife, my family, or my fellow man.  After all, "God is love." 1 John 4:8.
     So I leave you today with a fictional quote from John Nash, when he won the Nobel Peace Prize on his work on Game Theory in the movie A Beautiful Mind.   From what I understand, he did not actually make this speech publicly.  Nevertheless I love the quote: 

 "I've always believed in numbers. In the equations and logics that lead to reason; but after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional and back, and I have made the most important discovery of my career... the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found."

CLICK HERE if you would like to see the clip from the movie.

A special thanks today to all those who came before me, and even those of you who came after.  Thank you to my and Heather's grandparents, parents, siblings, and relatives.  All of you (both living and those who have passed), along with Heather & Mikayla are all my reasons for definition.
   

Being vs. Doing

Mikayla with her Stephen Curry basketball jersey

My father-in-law gave me a lecture series on CD called Customs of the World: Using Cultural Intelligence to Adapt, Wherever You Are. This has been a fascinating lecture series to listen to for me, because of all my travels around the world and studying of other cultures.  The lecturer David Livermore takes you though a series of cultural differences in an effort to improve the cultural intelligence (CQ) of the audience.  One of the lectures was on the Being vs. Doing Orientation.  The Being Orientation are cultures that emphasize contemplation and reflection, and values quality of life.  An example of a culture that is high in Being Orientation is Japan.  On the other end is the Doing Orientation, which are cultures that emphasize action and proactive behavior.  Doing Orientation cultures tend to value efficiency and results.  As you can probably gather, the United States is very high on the Doing Orientation.  We are a nation of doers on the go, that pride ourselves and being busy and strive for efficiency and results.  It is important to note that these are generalizations to an overall culture, and not everyone falls into one category or another.

This lecture in particular really got me thinking about our culture, and specifically our culture orientation as parents.  Generally, we are a nation of parents that emphasize this Doing Orientation. Heather and I as parents of Mikayla are very much in this orientation as well.  Mikayla goes from one therapy to the next, and we often come home with a list of "things to work on".  This list may include things like head & neck control, eating by mouth, getting her to push up with her arms, grasping, eye focus, and stretching the hamstrings, just to name a few.  Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and feelings of guilt would creep in if we didn't work on all of those things during our off times on weekends and night time.  We are determined to give Mikayla every advantage and chance we can to succeed.  It is our main focus with her.  That being said, listening to this lecture reminded me that it is also equally as important to sometimes just BE with Mikayla without agenda.  Sometimes, she just needs some snuggle time and some quality time with us to know that she is loved.  It reminded me of something our pediatrician told us early on.  He told us "there will be many voices telling you many different things on what is best for Mikayla because of her special needs, but you are her parents and will ultimately know what is best for her."  I didn't fully process what he said to me then, until I was driving in my car listening to this lecture on CD.  He was telling us that we are a culture of doers, and as such we will hear advice from many different people who are trying to help Mikayla.  As important as it is to listen and work with Mikayla, don't forget that sometimes we also just need to be with her.  Value the time we have with her, and reflect on the good times we have together as a family.  These times are also important to us, to give us the fuel to keep working with her towards important goals and milestones.  So my message today is, I love living in a culture that is of the Doing Orientation but let us not forget that there is real value in taking time to live in the Being Orientation as well. 

Any Given Sunday: Superbowl Sunday Edition

"We know that all things work for good for those that love God, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I have been thinking a good deal about this verse lately, as it relates to something I hear from people quite frequently.  Heather and I will often have people tell us that "God gives special needs children to special people, and to those who are equipped to handle it."  This may be surprising to some of you, but I don't believe that.  I don't want to offend any of you, if you do.  I am just explaining what I have come to believe through my experiences, and through my understanding of the Romans Bible verse I shared above. 
My experience started in the Vanderbilt Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or as many people call it, the NICU.  In the NICU, there were many children with all different kinds of issues.  Some of the issues ranged from very moderate to quite severe.  Many of these children, as you can imagine, are children with special needs.  The surprising thing to Heather and me was how empty the NICU was for visitors, especially on the weekends.  We figured the NICU would be packed with a bunch of parents visiting their kids on the weekends.  I mentioned this to one of the NICU nurses, and she told us that unfortunately many of the children are in the NICU because of choices that their parents made.  This was disheartening to me.  I by no means want to imply that many of the parents of the babies in the NICU are bad parents.  I don't know their stories, and who am I to judge?  The question that kept arising is that if God truly gives children with special needs to those who are equipped to handle it, why were there so many examples of parents who weren't?  I was really confused by the whole thing, until I got some clarity after reading Romans 8:28.
Romans 8:28 says that all things work for good, but it doesn't say that all things ARE good.  God can make good out of any situation, but he doesn't create every bad situation in our lives.  We are good at creating those many times, all on our own.  He gave us free will.  So here is what I have come to believe.  God will make good things come of our situation with Mikayla, and he already has because we love him.  I don't believe God only gives special needs children to those who are equipped to handle it, and I will tell you it doesn't make me feel any better when you tell me this.  I would rather hear you say that God will bring great things about in our and her life, if we continue to love and trust in him and his plan for our lives. 

Stress Fractures

Photo of Mikayla taken by Sonia Fernandez Leblanc

     I have been listening to a podcast lately of a collection of Ted Talks.  Ted Talks are a series of talks about a different range of topics, and its slogan is "Ideas Worth Spreading".  One such talk was about stress and its effects on our health and well-being.  The woman who gave the talk spoke about a research study that was done on stress.  It followed a number of people who were listed as having high levels of stress.  Without going into all the details of the study, the study showed that stress can have harmful effects on your health.  This in itself is not all that surprising.  What was surprising from the study is that it was only harmful to those people who thought that stress was harmful to their health.  It had relatively no adverse effects on those who did not believe stress was harmful to them.  Let that sink in for a moment.  This is a testimony to the power of our thoughts and attitude.  Our thoughts on what we believe stress to be, fractures us.  We can literally think and believe ourselves into a certain state of mind and health.  I believe God must have created us this way to show that our spirit has a great effect on our being.  I highly recommend watching this Ted Talk if you are interested.  It is done by Kelly McDonigal, and here is the link: http://www.ted.com/talks/kelly_mcgonigal_how_to_make_stress_your_friend.html.
    People in our circles will often tell Heather and I that: "It must be so stressful having a special needs child.  All the worry, all the heartache, all the extra daily tasks you have to perform with/on your child."  I remember thinking when I heard this, that I never really think of it as extra stress.  It wasn't until I heard the results of that research study when it really hit home with me that Heather and I need to always maintain a healthy and positive frame of mind about things.  Especially when it comes to Mikayla, since she is probably the greatest addition to the source of stress in our lives.  However, we won't let the stress have adverse effects on our lives because we don't view this stress as being harmful.  Whatever stress there is, she has brought more joy, faith, & gratitude to our lives with simply her presence.  I am sure we all have stress in our lives, so the message today is to not let stress fracture you.  Embrace it for what it is, and instead let it fuel you to greater heights than you thought possible.

Sports - Higher Authority

Mikayla and I in the hospital watching the NFL Draft.

Before I begin, some of you have been asking how to subscribe.  There is a box in the right hand corner that says "Follow By Email".  Type in your email address there, and it should give you directions and how to have the posts come directly to your email.  Thanks for reading!

   One of my favorite shows to watch with Mikayla and Heather is the show ESPN E:60.  If you have never seen the show, a group of ESPN sports reporters gets together and share some 10-15 minute short films about stories around the sports world.  Sometimes the short films are about NFL, MLB or NBA stars and their lives off the playing field/court, and other times they are just inspiring stories about everyday people who have had a special connection with sports in their lives.  These are usually the stories I most connect with, and often times they have stories about a child with special needs who has inspired others with his/her story.  This is one of the reasons I connect with the show so much.  I remember watching the ESPN E:60's before we had Mikayla, and it is amazing how I watch the shows with such a different lens now.  Whenever they would share a story of a child with special needs with their parent, I remember watching the show and wondering how difficult it must be to take care of that child full time.  It seemed to be a burden to them, but what made their stories inspiring was how they came through it all together with a positive attitude.  I must say things are different for me now as I watch these shows.  I now connect on a deep personal level with these people, and can understand more fully just where they are coming from.  These stories are no longer just a show for entertainment, but accurately represent my reality now.  One such story on ESPN E:60 was Davan Overton who actually has a Dandy Walker Variant, which is a form of what Mikayla has.  Watching this story was honestly pretty difficult to watch at times.  Many parts of the piece are pretty low and difficult to witness, but the ending gives you that hope that sometimes you just need to keep you going.  I don't want to give away too much of the story if you haven't seen it.  I recommend you watch it if you haven't seen it before, and here is the link to the story: http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=9898489.

     I am a big sports fan myself, and I have always been connected to them as a way to enrich our lives.  Sports represent the struggles & successes of real life, and the work and determination it takes to achieve a goal.  Mikayla will always be different like Davan, but that doesn't mean she can't live a life inspiring to others like Davan does.  She has already make me a better person, I guarantee you that.  It is my hope that Mikayla will live a full life in whatever that looks like to her.
     Last month we had the opportunity to visit my nephew Robert who lives in New York City.  He is a rambunctious 2-year-old who is full of life.  He is in love with sports, especially basketball.  The kid can dunk on his Fisher-Price basketball net, let me tell you.  One of the activities we did that weekend was head to the Jewish Community Center for his sports class.  In this class we got to see Robert and all his little friends run around the gym and try all different kinds of sports and activities.  At the end they played this fun game where they all ran around a circle of cones while the music played, and they would all stop when the music stopped.  Even the parents would join in, and the kids absolutely loved it.  I remember sitting there in their gym with a tear running down my cheek and my arm around Heather just praying: "Lord, I accept Mikayla the way you made her to the best of my ability.  However, if it is in your plans Lord I would love to run around in a circle with her someday." I am not sure if my prayer will be answered in this life or the next, but what a great reminder to enjoy the blessings we have and celebrate the small victories God gives us in this life.  So I will keep playing and watching sports with my baby girl, and if she is the little "Daddy's girl" I think she is, I know she will be a fan of sports as well in her own way.

Mikayla holding her football.