You WOULD Like Me When I'm Angry!

Mikayla with me after her surgery to repair her shunt

     Mikayla has had a rough few weeks, as she has been in and out of sickness.  Heather and I suspected that there may be a deeper cause, but when we would take her to the doctor she would get better in a couple days and act fine again.  Finally, on Thursday early morning we took her to the ER because she was vomiting and just generally very uncomfortable.  We trusted our gut, and said something is wrong with our child.  It turns out that her shunt (apparatus that drains fluid from her brain to her adomen) had been malfunctioning and she needed surgery to repair it.
     That morning before we went to the hospital I just felt so helpless.  I think of all the difficult things about having a child with special needs, it is the helplessness that hurts me the most.  I have no way to cure what ails her, to comfort her when things so awry, or to help her keep any type of normalcy in her life.  My helplessness turned to anger that morning before we took her to the ER.  I held her in my arms as she was writing in pain, and I just told God...straight up with no holds barred:  "God, I know you can cure my daughter!  Why don't you do just do SOMETHING...ANYTHING?!"  All of a sudden, for just the briefest of moments, she stopped and got silent and opened her beautiful blue eyes and looked straight at me.  It was a moment I can't truly describe, because her gaze shot through me like a frozen arrow had just been shot in my chest.  I was stunned.  Somehow, I just knew in that moment that Jesus Christ was looking straight at me through the eyes of Mikayla.
     As soon as the gaze came, it was gone again and Heather and I rushed to pack up all her items for the hospital.  You may think that I was just a delirious parent, who was just making things up in a high stress state.  I don't really blame you, because sometimes I can't believe it happened either.  All I can tell you is I know what I saw, and more importantly I know what I felt. 
   As I have been unpacking this experience over the past few days, I was reminded of a book I read recently called The Voice of the Heart by Chip Dodd.  In his book Dodd explains that there are 8 feelings we experience.  Those feelings are hurt, sadness, loneliness, fear, anger, shame, guilt, and gladness.  If you are like me and almost everybody else, you look at those 8 feelings and only see one positive one - gladness.  Dodd explains in his book that all these feelings are good feelings that have benefits, and were given to us by God.  However, each of these feelings if not fully dealt with can lead to a toxic impairment in our lives.  I won't give you the whole list of benefits or impairments, but for the feeling of anger the benefit is: "Helps us to tell the truth, dares to hope and arouses willingness in desire."  If you are curious about the others, I highly recommend the book.
   I got angry with God, and I believe that was his way of telling me that was okay.  It was okay, because it was a genuine expression to him in relationship.  I had been trying to suppress my anger from God, because I felt like it wasn't proper or justified.  In fact, I have done that in many areas of my life.  I was confusing anger with rage.  They are not the same thing.  As Dodd says: "Authentic anger is a caring feeling, telling us that something matters."  Mikayla matters to me and I care for her deeply.  I get angry, and that is a genuine expression of my love.

 SO TELL ME AND LET ME HEAR IT!!!  What are you angry about in your life, that you just haven't been willing to admit?