Definitions Not Found in Wikipedia

Mikayla helping daddy with the Laundry

     When I was an adolescent & a younger man, I liked to think that I wasn't defined by anything.  I thought of myself as very adaptable, and I simply didn't like to "labeled".  I wanted to be known for many different things, and not one particular thing or another.  I had this thought as I was walking around the house doing a little laundry yesterday with Mikayla: "What DEFINES you?".  It came into my mind like you would expect to hear from a commercial on a marketing campaign like Nike.   So I decided to entertain that thought for awhile, and starting thinking that as I grow older I have more things in my life that define me.  I am defined as husband, as father, as son, as grandson, as friend, by my career, etc.  I am defined by the moments, days, and years of my life to this point.  Moments like what college I attended, the day I got married, and the flood of May 2010.  These moments have thus shaped my life and defined who I am.
    One such moment was hearing the doctor come in after our second ultrasound of the day with a specialist (when we knew something was wrong) and telling us that our baby had Dandy Walker Syndrome.  She explained to us what this meant for our child and the possible very difficult scenarios, and asked us at that moment if we would like to abort our child.  She then left to give us some time to think and talk it over.  Honestly, when she left the room I was in shock, and I know Heather was too.  I felt like I was in one of those war movies after the bomb goes off, and all you hear is the silence and the ringing in your ears.  Heather remained surprisingly calm (I thought she would break down), and we had a moment that would define.  We didn't believe in abortion as an option, but things are a lot different when you are the one sitting in that chair and it has become more real than a philosophical debate after a few drinks with your friends.  We said YES to Mikayla, and trusted that God had a plan for our lives he was yet to reveal.  I became defined in that moment as a parent of a special needs child.  So what defines us is not just those moments in our lives, but those moments in the lives of those who came before us.  The choices my grandparents and my parents make, define me as well.  I wouldn't be here if they had made different choices, and neither would Mikayla  Mikayla begins her life and journey with one more definition than I did.  She begins her life with the definition of special needs.  It will be up to her and God what she does with that definition.  I no longer run from my definitions, but I embrace them as part of who I am.  What truly defines me is Love.  Love for my daughter, my wife, my family, or my fellow man.  After all, "God is love." 1 John 4:8.
     So I leave you today with a fictional quote from John Nash, when he won the Nobel Peace Prize on his work on Game Theory in the movie A Beautiful Mind.   From what I understand, he did not actually make this speech publicly.  Nevertheless I love the quote: 

 "I've always believed in numbers. In the equations and logics that lead to reason; but after a lifetime of such pursuits I ask, what truly is logic? Who decides reason? My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional and back, and I have made the most important discovery of my career... the most important discovery of my life. It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found."

CLICK HERE if you would like to see the clip from the movie.

A special thanks today to all those who came before me, and even those of you who came after.  Thank you to my and Heather's grandparents, parents, siblings, and relatives.  All of you (both living and those who have passed), along with Heather & Mikayla are all my reasons for definition.
   

Being vs. Doing

Mikayla with her Stephen Curry basketball jersey

My father-in-law gave me a lecture series on CD called Customs of the World: Using Cultural Intelligence to Adapt, Wherever You Are. This has been a fascinating lecture series to listen to for me, because of all my travels around the world and studying of other cultures.  The lecturer David Livermore takes you though a series of cultural differences in an effort to improve the cultural intelligence (CQ) of the audience.  One of the lectures was on the Being vs. Doing Orientation.  The Being Orientation are cultures that emphasize contemplation and reflection, and values quality of life.  An example of a culture that is high in Being Orientation is Japan.  On the other end is the Doing Orientation, which are cultures that emphasize action and proactive behavior.  Doing Orientation cultures tend to value efficiency and results.  As you can probably gather, the United States is very high on the Doing Orientation.  We are a nation of doers on the go, that pride ourselves and being busy and strive for efficiency and results.  It is important to note that these are generalizations to an overall culture, and not everyone falls into one category or another.

This lecture in particular really got me thinking about our culture, and specifically our culture orientation as parents.  Generally, we are a nation of parents that emphasize this Doing Orientation. Heather and I as parents of Mikayla are very much in this orientation as well.  Mikayla goes from one therapy to the next, and we often come home with a list of "things to work on".  This list may include things like head & neck control, eating by mouth, getting her to push up with her arms, grasping, eye focus, and stretching the hamstrings, just to name a few.  Sometimes it can be overwhelming, and feelings of guilt would creep in if we didn't work on all of those things during our off times on weekends and night time.  We are determined to give Mikayla every advantage and chance we can to succeed.  It is our main focus with her.  That being said, listening to this lecture reminded me that it is also equally as important to sometimes just BE with Mikayla without agenda.  Sometimes, she just needs some snuggle time and some quality time with us to know that she is loved.  It reminded me of something our pediatrician told us early on.  He told us "there will be many voices telling you many different things on what is best for Mikayla because of her special needs, but you are her parents and will ultimately know what is best for her."  I didn't fully process what he said to me then, until I was driving in my car listening to this lecture on CD.  He was telling us that we are a culture of doers, and as such we will hear advice from many different people who are trying to help Mikayla.  As important as it is to listen and work with Mikayla, don't forget that sometimes we also just need to be with her.  Value the time we have with her, and reflect on the good times we have together as a family.  These times are also important to us, to give us the fuel to keep working with her towards important goals and milestones.  So my message today is, I love living in a culture that is of the Doing Orientation but let us not forget that there is real value in taking time to live in the Being Orientation as well. 

Any Given Sunday: Superbowl Sunday Edition

"We know that all things work for good for those that love God, who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I have been thinking a good deal about this verse lately, as it relates to something I hear from people quite frequently.  Heather and I will often have people tell us that "God gives special needs children to special people, and to those who are equipped to handle it."  This may be surprising to some of you, but I don't believe that.  I don't want to offend any of you, if you do.  I am just explaining what I have come to believe through my experiences, and through my understanding of the Romans Bible verse I shared above. 
My experience started in the Vanderbilt Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, or as many people call it, the NICU.  In the NICU, there were many children with all different kinds of issues.  Some of the issues ranged from very moderate to quite severe.  Many of these children, as you can imagine, are children with special needs.  The surprising thing to Heather and me was how empty the NICU was for visitors, especially on the weekends.  We figured the NICU would be packed with a bunch of parents visiting their kids on the weekends.  I mentioned this to one of the NICU nurses, and she told us that unfortunately many of the children are in the NICU because of choices that their parents made.  This was disheartening to me.  I by no means want to imply that many of the parents of the babies in the NICU are bad parents.  I don't know their stories, and who am I to judge?  The question that kept arising is that if God truly gives children with special needs to those who are equipped to handle it, why were there so many examples of parents who weren't?  I was really confused by the whole thing, until I got some clarity after reading Romans 8:28.
Romans 8:28 says that all things work for good, but it doesn't say that all things ARE good.  God can make good out of any situation, but he doesn't create every bad situation in our lives.  We are good at creating those many times, all on our own.  He gave us free will.  So here is what I have come to believe.  God will make good things come of our situation with Mikayla, and he already has because we love him.  I don't believe God only gives special needs children to those who are equipped to handle it, and I will tell you it doesn't make me feel any better when you tell me this.  I would rather hear you say that God will bring great things about in our and her life, if we continue to love and trust in him and his plan for our lives.